Friends with Benefits: Caffeine, Naps, and Other Sleep Flings
Because Caffeine, Naps, and Melatonin Have Red Flags Too
Who doesn’t love the old FWB (friends with benefits)?
Me.
(With the same amount of enthusiasm as the baby wanting to go to the Four Seasons Orlando.)
While they may bring you unbridled amounts of dopamine and serotonin after Wednesday night treat runs to Steak ‘n Shake—where you sit in the car and talk about nothing and everything, and the world feels like it’s falling away and you are the only two people who exist in that moment—in reality, friends with benefits actually leave you with years of emotional damage to unpack with your therapist, Lisa, deep-seated doubts about your capability to love, and immense daily regret over replying “yes” to “have you ever thought about us making out?” a few White Claws in, in your sophomore year college dorm room.
While you’d think those low feelings would be enough to break the FWB cycle, you continue on. For three years. Through international trips, long-distance, no-contact phases, three breakups, and a near-miss living in a studio apartment together.
Simply put, while they may feel good in the moment, these highs lead to immense lows, much like drugs and stimulants. So why do we keep going back? (c’mon, this must apply to at least one of you, right?) The cycle of addiction. The highs are so high, we chase them and ignore the crashes.
Now here’s where I should transition into connecting friends with benefits and sleep aids/suppressants, to justify to my boss that including a brief memoir of my traumatic FWB experience was essential to emphasize the harmful effects of sleep-related tools on the human body (emotionally, physically, spiritually, holistically, existentially).
But truly, these sleep interventions really do parallel the FWB cycle in terms of (just emotional and physical) regulation.
Take caffeine. It boosts dopamine, norepinephrine, and adrenaline by blocking adenosine receptors in the brain. You may feel like you are #peaking in the first 1-3 hours of caffeine consumption (cue the urge to text everyone in your phone “I love you”), but by hour 5-8, when adenosine floods back in, you’re groggy, irritable, and ready to scream at your girlfriend for being two minutes late to dinner (personal problem?).
And as an extra special bonus, just like when you finally cut off that extra ~special~ friend (it’s not an if, it’s a when—trust me), who was there for you during your highest of highs and lowest of lows and whom you can’t fathom living without, when you remove caffeine from your life in what was done as an act of self-care, you will be the lucky recipient of withdrawal symptoms such as headaches, low mood, trouble focusing, and fatigue #lit.
Wait, wait, there’s more! The caffeine crash hits hardest righttttt before bed, when you least expect it.
Just like how you can numb yourself from the painful end of your FWB with work, friends, and Lady Killers II by G-Eazy, and all of the memories only come flooding back as soon as you turn your lights out for the evening, causing you to lie awake for hours, paralyzed in thought until the wee hours of the morning—caffeine’s half-life is give hours hours. That delightful 3:00 pm latte? It’s like drinking half a cup at 8:00 pm, and not being clear of it until 1:00 am.
So next time someone asks you to grab an afternoon coffee or engage in FWB activities, just say you’re detoxing. No context needed.
Now, caffeine is just one culprit. Let’s talk naps. An afternoon boost or a pre-bed nightmare?
It depends on the duration. (And yes, I’m still not done with my FWB analogy (shockingly applicable everywhere)).
A short nap (20-30 minutes) can increase energy and alertness without messing with your sleep inertia (that inner “go to sleep!” signal). They also improve memory, performance, and (obviously) reduce fatigue. Don’t believe me? Believe NASA or old Greek men—pick your poison.
A NASA study shows that pilots who napped for 26 minutes experienced a 54% increase in alertness and a 34% boost in performance. While none of us are astronauts (unless you found Loftie’s Substack for some light reading before winding down for your 26-minute nap in space), there is arguably nobody I would rather take advice from on alertness. If you need to reach me around 2:00 p.m. every day, I will be unavailable for exactly 26 minutes.
The Greeks have receipts, too. In 2000, Greece phased out the cultural habit of mid-afternoon naps. Within six years, men had a 40% higher risk of dying from heart disease. Men who said “F%$# societal norms!” and continued to nap? They were four times more likely to live to ninety than their American counterparts. No heart disease and longer life? Sign me up!
But everything in moderation, right?
While a short nap may have loads of health benefits, long naps exceeding an hour can be detrimental to your health and well-being (I’m testing out the scared straight tactic—is it working?). Naps exceeding an hour can interfere with your sleep inertia (making you feel super groggy), disrupt sleep patterns (daytime long naps = nighttime insomnia), and increase your risk of certain health conditions like diabetes, heart disease, and depression. #bleak.
And now, the comparison you’ve all been waiting for: naps and FWB.
A short nap is like the early FWB stage—after you finally break the tension. You feel invincible. Euphoric. Your walk back to the dorm is basically a coming-of-age movie.
A long nap? That’s when the FWB drags on. You hit the “what are we?” wall. They just want to be friends. You’re left with a jacked-up sleep schedule, an existential crisis, and an increased risk of clinical depression.
Lesson? If you’re going to have a FWB, keep it short. And maybe have more than one (Thank God no one’s paying me for this advice.)
To round out this holy trinity of endorphin rollercoasters, let’s talk about Melatonin.
It’s a hormone that your body produces to help regulate your sleep cycle. You produce less melatonin during the day and more at night to signal to your body, “hey, it’s bedtime.” You can also buy it in tablet form, which can be helpful for people who don’t produce enough melatonin, or don’t produce it at the right times. Namely, people with circadian rhythm disorders, insomnia, and shift work disorder (to name a few).
Here’s the kicker: while short-term use is considered safe, side effects can include headaches, dizziness, nausea, drowsiness, depression, mild anxiety, irritability, the list goes on. And why? Because while the recommended dose is 1-2mg, melatonin is sold in doses up to 60mg. SIXTY.
That could tranquilize a horse - a reformed horse girl
How is that even legal?
Melatonin signals to your body that it’s time for bed, but it doesn’t actually knock you out. So people overdose, expecting a quick fix, and wake up groggy, foggy, and confused (and probably a zombie).
FWB angle? Again: small doses. Too much (whether that be emotional investment, length of FWB, frequency of walks-of-shame) and you’re left with headaches, nausea, depression, and confusion as to how you ended up in this situation in the first place.
The takeaway?
Whether it’s friends with benefits or other sleep flings—indulge with caution, in small doses, and not for extended periods of time unless willing to undergo intense emotional experiences laced with groggy confusion. Oh, and probably say no to your friend asking you, “Have you ever thought about us making out?” when you had not thought about it before that moment.
All of the buttons in case you want to click one